Last week I had a revelation. I was in a gas station bathroom projectile vomiting from eating a green hotdog “cooked” in the very same gas station (I was hungry and I will eat just about anything, though I won’t be eating any green hotdogs from that gas station anymore) when I saw a pamphlet that changed my life. I can no longer, in good conscience, call myself an atheist. I am now a devoted follower of BIFF (Best Imaginary Friend Forever).
I read through the pamphlet like six times before I rushed out and bought myself a Great Books of Wonderous BIFF. The pamphlet made me realize that, alone, I am not good enough, but with BIFF by my side, I will always have a friend looking out for me wherever I go.
The pamphlet quoted a passage from Letters 6:9 “And BIFF say unto thee ‘ In thine house, thou shalt be comfortable, wearingeth no pants, thy shall be free.'”
What powerful words. BIFF loves us so much, that he instructs us to go without pants in our house so that we will be comfortable. It almost brought me to tears. If BIFF cares about such a seemingly trivial thing, then he must care a great deal about the big things.
I am going to quote a few verses that stuck out in my mind while reading through the Great Book of Wonderous BIFF, but I am not going to comment of them because I want you to be able to feel the power as the words flow through you.
Lactations 8:8-9: “If a man loveth a man and a woman loveth a woman, he shall be with him and she with her for she and she and he and he may findeth a flame that he and she or he and she may noteth ignite.”
First Confrontations 5:15: “Thou shalt wash thine hands after thy business is done for thateth is where germs caneth be passed to others.”
The Gospel According to Gary 47:1-3: “Eateth of thy bread for it is good. Drinketh of thy wine, heavily, for it may blotteth out thine memory of thine personal encounter of the night before. Thateth may be a memory thou shalt not want. Buteth, if thy drinketh, heavily, then ye may find thine hip pocket lighter than thou expected.”
I don’t think I can add anything to the power of those words. Every time I read them I just want to rejoice and shout out “BIFF, you are an awesome BIFF, from Somewhere you are good!”
The pamphlet did say that when telling others about the power of Biff, I should be very pushy to point out the Seven Suggestions and the Seven Proofs. So, LISTEN CLOSELY OR BIFF WILL CRY!
The Seven Suggestions (Secretions 42: 42-57)
- Do not kill anything, not even the smallest insect, for all life is equal
- You must pay homage to me
- You may not have any gods before me, but you may have no more than three after me
- Once every seven years you must slaughter an entire village and wash yourself in the blood of the innocent to cleanse yourself from evil
- Only conscious beings capable of reason are important, you must sacrifice a lesser being once a day
- During worship, you must nail rose petals to the walls and drink a glass of walnut juice while scattering a fistful of goat hair on the floor
- You must do stretches before going out on the hunt, for a pulled muscle will hurt
In my readings I also found something that, to my knowledge, has never been done by a god before. BIFF has also give seven proofs that he exists. This list is from Galoshes 3:16-30
- I am perfect, therefore I cannot lie. I say that I exist and since a perfect being cannot lie, I exist
- It would be illogical for me not to exist and this is a logical universe, therefore I exist
- I exist, therefore I exist
- People believe I exist, therefore I exist
- I have proved I exist, therefore I exist
- To prove that I don’t exist would cause the universe to cease to be, but since the universe is still here it is impossible to prove that I do not exist, therefore I exist.
- Come on, you know I exist, therefore I exist
I realize that I have only give you a few snippets of the true, awesome, majestic power of BIFF and I know that I am not doing BIFF justice, and for that I can only ask of HIM his semi-eternal forgiveness. I am still very new to BIFFism and I so desperately want to make HIM proud. I have asked BIFF to do me a solid and he suggested that I just throw out a few more verses because HIS words are more powerful a tool than anything I could come up with, so I shall leave you with two more passages and then leave you until next month.
Libations 4;5: “When thou looketh at thy neighbors house, do not thinketh of thy neighbors house as better than thou’s, for thine abode is a fine dwelling if only thoust would cleaneth it once in awhile.”
The Gospel According to Marvin 90:15: “Eat, drink, and be hairy.” *
*This blog is solely the fault of its author. BNFree makes no claim to anything said, in whole or in part. This is not endorsed by BNFree, its members, or anyone who can feed themselves. If any of the blog makes any sense, it’s author suggests that you seek professional help.