Getting Fitted for My Straitjacket

Well, it’s official. I’ve been indefinitely suspended from religious belief. You show up to church drunk one time and accidentally vomit into the sacramental wine and yell at everyone that you are going to steal the little wafers and test Jesus’ “flesh” for DNA and they kick you out. Of course, that was after I wet myself and passed out in the corner. I think I had a proud momma that day*.

So, I figure in this blog post I would expound on my last blog post and maybe explain the meaning of “Jay Pea’s Indefinite Suspension”. First of all I should point out that I am not an “intellectual” atheist. I’ve been told that I’m a smart (ass) guy, but I’m not very good at discussing evolution or debating the many arguments for the existence of God. What I can do, however, is make less sense than the person I am talking to and I have found that if you make negative sense people just assume you know what you are talking about because the human brain did not evolve to deal with that sort of thing. I guess that explains the spread of Scientology. Now, having said that, I am going to do my best to explain myself with the intellect that Pretend God gave me.

At certain work places and schools if you do something really bad or do many small things wrong, you can be indefinitely suspended from work or school until such time that the powers that be determine that you can return. That’s kind of how I view my lack of religious belief. I was a Christian, but because there is no evidence to the contrary I no longer believe. If, at some point, irrefutable evidence should arise, I will give it serious thought and return to belief. I feel I am in no danger of that happening, but I, Jay Pea, have been Indefinitely Suspended from religious belief. So that’s the meaning of that.

Now, on to greater concerns. Who Is This God Person Anyway (Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy reference)? Is god a pissed off deity who has people killed for picking up sticks on the Sabbath and seems to be creepily preoccupied with the sexual activities of his creations? Is he into genital mutilations, filicide, and genocide? Or is he a kindly old grandfatherly type who just wants to see you do well and all he asks in return is your unquestioning loyalty and obedience? Or perhaps he created the universe as one long ass reality TV show where he constantly says things like “Oh no he didn’t”,  “What’s the deal with Tom Cruise anyway?” and “I can’t believe it’s not butter!” (I guess he watches the commercials, too). In my opinion, people worship the god that fits their beliefs. Are you the kind of person who hates homosexuals, abortion, and any form of individual thoughts? Then you probably worship a fundamentalist Christian god. Hate homosexuals and blacks, but like the idea of having four or five wives complaining that you don’t do enough around the house? Then you probably worship a Mormon god. Like the idea of making yourself look like a jerk by jumping up and down on a couch on national television and continually getting movie roles despite your limited acting ability? Then you probably worship an alien god from a far off planet. You get the point.

My beliefs basically boil down to this: do what makes you feel good as long as it is not illegal and does not impede upon someone else’s ability to enjoy life. I consider myself to be a pretty open-minded, laid back guy and I, personally, don’t care if someone wants to worship god, just keep it at church or in your house. Don’t bring it to work and especially don’t bring it to my doorstep. If you do come knocking on my door, I will let you in, but I will make damn sure that it’s going to be one of the most uncomfortable experiences of your life. There ain’t nothing worse than a shirtless chubby guy sitting in front of you picking his nose and seeing how hard he can fart before he does something more than just fart. If that doesn’t work, I can also use the restroom without closing the door and have a screaming match with my wife about whose turn it is to sacrifice the goat.

So, to sum everything up: Pretend God is a jerk, mind your own business, and I am not normal and have wayyyyy to much time on my hands.#

*That didn’t really happen. It’s called an apocryphal story and is used to prove a point, though,  I really don’t know what that point could be.

#These views are not necessarily the views of BNFree, it’s members, atheists, well adjusted people, or anyone who has any semblance of sanity. If you are offended by anything in this blog post, please send your comments to the adminstrator who will put Jay Pea in a time out and explain to him why he’s in trouble. Thank you.

About Jay Pea

I was born in Kentucky in 1809 and served as US President from 1860 to 1865 and have a strange fondness for stovepipe hats. I'm married with no children (yet), enjoy reading, sports, my wonderful x-box 360, and pretending that I understand what's going on most of the time.
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1 Response to Getting Fitted for My Straitjacket

  1. Happy Skeptic says:

    You made me snort after laughing really loud (out loud and everything). This is fantastic. Two blogs with references to Adams, go team.

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